Friday, November 12, 2010

Another shot at a better marriage

Time to face the music. I have been intending to write this post for some time but kept finding excuses to get out of it. It's time to do it.

Josh and I should have a much better marriage than we do. There, that's over with. Family and friends will say that we have reason to have stress and frustration, but that's not the problem. The problem is with the way we chose to handle that stress and frustration. At least, I do. I can't speak for Josh as only he knows whether he is doing a good job or not. I know that I have not done a good job. But I am trying and making a major effort. Already, I can see positive changes that are giving me the confidence to continue.

One of the things that made me really face facts came to light after a couple weddings at our church this summer. As the two couples prepared for their weddings and life together, I realized that I had absolutely no good advice to share with the two young brides. And this really bothered me. I don't consider myself old enough or wise enough to really be one of the women in the church to give good solid advice, but I should have at least had something better to offer than "whatever you do, don't be like me". What kind of advice is that? Granted, it's something and there's truth in it, but still it's far from truly helpful.

I had agonized and agonized over what I was doing wrong and how to correct it. Josh was not happy, I was not happy, our kids were not happy. Something was terribly "off" and this time I am fully committed to finding it and fixing it.

Over the summer, I kept seeing the same book being mentioned over and over again. Some good reviews, a lot of bad, but there had to be a reason I kept coming across this book wherever I went. Every thread on every forum I looked at about marriage and being a good wife, I saw that book mentioned. When I stepped out in faith and asked on a homeschool forum for recommendations for a good book on being a good wife, that same book was recommended many times over. But I had heard enough "bad things" about it that I still hesitated to get it. It wasn't until I saw a real life friend mention it on Facebook that I decided it certainly couldn't hurt to check it out and see for myself. Every Christian book is going to receive negative criticism no matter what, so glean the good from the bad and if it gives me even one good solid piece of advice that turns our marriage around then it's worth it despite any bad advice.

When we went on our trip to California to see Josh's family 2 weeks ago, I still hadn't gotten that book and the state of our marriage was weighing heavily on my heart. It wasn't critical, we weren't on the verge of divorce, but I was tired of feeling beat down and tired and I was heartsick to see Josh feeling so discouraged and run down. Something had to give and I knew that I should be the first one to strike out and make something happen.

My mother-in-law and I had planned to take a day into a nearby large city to check out a specific health food store I wanted to see and do some shopping. As luck would have it, mother-in-law noticed a Bible bookstore and asked if we should stop. As I was about to say "no, let's just head home", my mouth decided to act independantly and blurted out "yeah, let's stop here." I do believe it wasn't luck or whatever, but actually divine intervention.

Mother-in-law was busy finding some small things for the kids to have as gifts and while she kept them occupied, I browsed around the large selection of used books the store had. I was looking for a specific title. I didn't see it and decided to scan the shelves of new books, just in case. The few times I had entered a bookstore before, I hadn't seen the book and decided that I probably didn't need it, not that I had looked very hard. But this time, I saw the book. It was the last one on the shelf labeled for women. I picked it up, looked at the price, decided it was too much and put it away. But I kept feeling the urge to go get it again. I fought it and resisted it. I was ready to leave when I overheard the store owner tell mother-in-law that it was the store's anniversary and they were offering a storewide discount. That was just the prompt I needed, I immediately headed back to the book and got it.

I began reading it that evening and new right away that I would not love everything in the book but I would get something good from it. A bit of the doctrine and the author's beliefs goes against what I was raised to believe but as my real life friend had said about it, you have to take the good and ignore the bad because what is good in there will probably save your marriage. She's right.

I tested things out on Josh right away and saw a noticible difference right from the start. It's been more than worth it to keep reading and putting things into practice. I'm about 3/4 of the way through the book and while I'm not really wild about some things (for example, the book puts way too much emphasis on s*x and I strongly do not believe that s*x is as important as the author makes it out to be) I am thankful for it.

I've sat and had a long conversation with my mom, something I should have done long ago but was stupid enough to procrastinate. I brought up several issues in the book that I wasn't sure about and she confirmed how I felt and gave me a lot to think about.

The things I realize to begin with are these: no matter what, I am subject to my husband. He is to be head of our family, not me. Josh isn't accountable to me, he is accountable to God. I am accountable to Josh and I am accountable to God. I can't argue these things. Man was made for God, not for the woman; yet the woman was made for the man. Therefore, my place is behind him or beside him, not in front of him. I don't have a problem with that. It's correct. My job is to put Josh on that pedestal, to lift him up and encourage him and help him. In time, when he's secure and confident, he'll pull me up beside him. But I'm not to shove him out of the way and climb up there myself. I don't want to! I am not a leader, I never have been. I've always been one to be comfortable in the background, in the shadows providing support for others.

Being wife and mother are my only goals. That is what God has called me to do. And I am proud and thankful for that.

1 comment:

Over Yonder said...

Girl marriage can take work...add in SN's, homeschooling, etc etc? I hear you. Me and the hubby get along pretty well but we have had some DOOZEYS over the years. You are such a sweet woman...and from the one time I met your hubby he also seems so nice. You make an adorable couple. Lean on God always.

What book did you read? I have no clue.